i don’t believe that half the people in the world exist



reblog if you

if you what

if you

construction is underway on my new factory which will produce junior mints that contain actual genuine toothpaste instead of the synthetic garbage that it’s currently filled with

Anonymous asked: they only asked for a sentence....

i’m going to go back in time to stop you from being born, then go further back in time to stop cheese doodles from being invented because i fucking hate cheese doodles. and then i’m going to go further and stop myself from being born so i would never have to read this bullshit message

Anonymous asked: finish this sentence: d

ROP THAT BASS SKRILLEX,” yelled the police officer. sneering, sonny pushed open the door to the roof, tripping the emergency alarm. the officer followed closely after as it blared, squinting as the cold night air hit without mercy. 

"you don’t want to do this," he yelled, leveling his gun. skrillex was at the edge now, leaning over the railing. with a slow throaty chuckle he turned around. 

"don’t i, officer?" he smirked, the full moon gleaming off of his glasses. he clutched his prize closer to his chest. 

"no you don’t. step away from the railing. we can talk about this." he clicked the safety off. 

suddenly skrillex burst into motion, hopping over the railing and disappearing over the edge. 

"NO," yelled the officer as he rushed to where he was standing. leaning over he looked down, expecting the worst. skrillex was nowhere to be seen. down below, the citizens continued walking, unaware of what had happened high above. the alarm had stopped blaring. 

sighing, he reached for radio comm. “dispatch this is 2129.”

the radio crackled as the answer was pushed through. “did he get it?” 

the officer grinned. “he got it.” he heard the cheers over the radio. 
"i still don’t know how pulls off that disappearing act every time."

"who cares?" answered dispatch. "that asshole’s been stealing prize bass, tuna and salmon for months now. at least we finally have a lead." 

"you think we would’ve thought about putting a tracker in the fish sooner," said the officer. 

"well now we have. and he fell for it hook line and sinker."

new game show idea: the floor is larvae. contestants must navigate an obstacle course in which the floor is filled with flesh eating botfly larvae. winners get a $25 starbucks gift card 

are they just using her for everything now

are they just using her for everything now

Anonymous asked: your posts are amazing i just wish you didnt say the word f*** so much

blacklist the f bomb to miss all my best content, including this fucking answer

i don’t care what the fuck “christmas” is you don’t have permission to operate a factory here and the working conditions for these little people are terrible