physical contact before marriage is illegal and physical contact after marriage is also illegal

they found the Higgs Boson by smashing a bunch of stuff into each other so by the same logic i should be able to find my car keys by smashing all my furniture together

spent my afternoon kicking the shit out of a bunch of museum cavemen displays after a fourth grader slapped ‘kick me’ signs on all of them

Anonymous asked: how much do you charge for hugs

$14.99 + tax and you have to let me cry the entire time. no direct eye contact afterwards